Hi,
I'm Syn. I want to talk about my life and what is going on with me. It may be obvious or it may not, but this is my first blogging experience. It seems OK so far.
I am 38 years old, and recently divorced. Before you go 'oh, I'm sorry' please let me stop you. I am much better off now than before, as I was abused fairly badly in my marriage. You see, my wife has not been diagnosed but probably has either Narcissistic Disorder (ND) or perhaps a Borderline Personality Disorder.
For 15 years I labored under the delusion that somehow, someway I could gain the approval and love of my wife. But no matter how much I tried, or how compliant I got, or how much I raged or argued, nothing worked. Early on in the marriage there was a lot of physical abuse. She would back me into a corner and yell at me and push or hit. Then, if I moved her aside or pushed her out of the way in an attempt to get away, she would claim that I abused her. Once she started trouble when I was cleaning the catbox. I kept the catbox between us as she got angrier and angrier. Finally she struck the catbox, showering me with cat poop and dirty litter. I had catpoo in my hair and on my clothes. She would do other things as well. I imagine that as I got more used to the abuse, I began to shut down. My emotions became very controlled, as it was the only way for me to survive. I stopped giving my opinion and stopped making decisions. She called me 'robotman' because I couldn't make decisions for myself but would instead wait for her to make them. 'Syn, its time to leave. Go to the car'. Etc, etc.
I am not a small person. I am 6'3" and weigh about 280lbs. I am very strong. But, it didn't seem to matter much. My ex was 5'10 and maybe 350 or so. And, she was agressive.
What ended the relationship for me was her cheating. No, she wouldn't go out and have sex or anything like that. what she would do is go online to make friends, then gradually the friends would become her sole interest. I had bought a computer for her in May of '07. Sure enough, by June or July she had found a goth group on yahoo360 that she was involved in. Within that group was a lady who professed her love and my wife decided she loved this woman back. But this woman was already married. And, they were in an S&M relationship. But it didn't matter. She was hooked and was so attracted to the power that comes with that kind of control.
Near the end of our relationship, she would tell me to shut up and to go away pretty much every time I asked her a question or wanted to spend time with her. In January of '09 I finally had enough and left. I moved into my parents house and tried to figure out what to do.
I went and talked to a lawyer about getting custody of my 14 year old son. The lawyer talked to me and told me that I HAD to try to get the house back. I didn't have a leg to stand on -- she had the house, and my son was living in the house as well. But what to do?
I did have one thing going for me. At the time I was beginning to homeschool my son. He was 14 and had just been pulled by me from school in Jan '09 because he had tried to kill himself twice with an overdose of pills. So, I waited, and told the wife that I needed him more and more for homeschooling purposes. I even convinced her to let him spend the night during the week to facilitate homeschooling.
Finally I convinced her that I needed primary custody and would fight tooth and nail for it. She caved and I got custody.
Shortly thereafter she asked if I could take the house. She couldn't keep up the payments. Also she couldn't take care of the house. There was 3 months of garbage outside the back door. And inside the house was mess after mess. It took my family and I a solid month of cleaning every day to clear away the rubbish.
More later - this is fun but it is bringing up some pretty hard feelings, and I have to take a break. Will talk more soon.
--Syn
